


Jian

by mininexi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 03:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mininexi/pseuds/mininexi
Summary: 1 year, 6 months, 2 people, 1 note.





	Jian

in the midst of some nonsensical dream, doyoung is slowly lulled awake by the 8 alarms he sets in 5 minute intervals. he was never much of a morning person, but lately, mornings have been feeling even worse. yet, he’s never slept in because he would never forgive himself if he did. the thought fills him with dread.

he didn’t like change to his routine and just went through the motions, his brain functioning on autopilot to get out of his dorm on time. class starts in a few hours anyway, so he was running on borrowed time. taeyong hasn’t slept yet, which was typical for him even on a weekday. so absorbed in league, he didn’t notice doyoung trip on his pants trying to get them on. good. taeyong would’ve made fun of him for the next few days.

he grabs a random hoodie from his closet, hoping that it was more clean than it was dirty and put it on haphazardly, messing up the hair that he never bothered styling anymore. on the way out, doyoung calls out to taeyong.

“bye.”

taeyong barely glances over to acknowledge his presence.

“hm? okay. see ya.”

they never exchange more than a few words this early in the day, and that’s more than fine with doyoung.

the bus only came every half hour, and it would seriously put a wrench in his plans for the day if he misses it. he could always call a taxi, but with his student loans looming over his head, he’d much prefer not to.

he scrolls through naver for a few minutes while waiting, silently judging; simultaneously indulging.

routine.

7:30. on the dot, the bus arrives and the doors open with a vaguely threatening shudder. he jams his phone into his pocket and wishes the bus driver a good morning like he does every day. the driver welcomes him warmly as she does every day and the two have small talk until doyoung reaches his stop. he enjoys having her as company. lately, he’s been devoid of it.

routine.

today, he changes it.

he presses the little yellow button next to the window to request a stop.

“you usually don’t get off here, what gives?”

he ponders over an answer that will suffice without giving away too much. it was more of a loaded question than she thinks it is.

“it’s a special day today.”

the driver looks at him through the rearview mirror, slightly intrigued and wanting to press further, but he’s staring listlessly out the window, lost in thought and far from reality. she knows he isn’t one to talk much, so she lets it go.

“alright, hope it goes well for you buddy.”

“yeah.”

he blocks out most of his surroundings with music playing softly from his endless playlist. so shrouded in thought, doyoung didn’t even notice he pressed the wrong one.

he was really out of it, but it’s reasonable considering today wasn’t a regular day. hopelessly lost in daydreams about setting the curve in his econ class, a song he recognizes suddenly jolts him back into reality, and he straightens up off the window he’s been leaning on for the past 10 minutes. he hadn’t heard this song in a long while. it brought back a flood of memories, filling him with warmth, yet leaving him painfully empty. it was the only playlist someone ever made for him. the smallest action profoundly touched him in a way that no one else truly has before. doyoung has friends, he has family, and he’s supposed to have happiness. but why does that feeling continue to elude him?

the bus comes to a rolling stop a block away from where he intends to go, and the doors open with a dubious creak. he steps off in a trance, forgetting to wave the bus driver goodbye, but she lets him be knowing his mind is somewhere else.

doyoung walks slowly on the sidewalk, not focusing on skipping the cracks like he usually does. it’s a childish habit that he never grew out of, but something that he does nonetheless. if he was being honest, he could stop doing it at any time but someone once said that he looked happy. guess that stuck with him. it never crossed his mind that he could look happy doing something. appearances can be pretty deceptive.

the flower shop he bookmarked on his phone suddenly comes into view, with the open neon sign hanging off the door frame. it was a rundown place tucked next to a local deli, and not many people went there, but he didn’t want to run into anybody he knew. the bell rang as he entered, and the florist peered out from the back to welcome the new stranger.

doyoung was looking around, unsure of what to buy, so he just asked the florist what he recommended.

“what’s the occasion?”

those words carried a sadness that he wasn’t prepared for.

“a friend.” he thought about his choice of words longer. they were more than that.

“someone important. they mean a lot to me. i want to get them something that can show that.”

the florist commended the stranger for his honesty and decided not to use his typical marketing tactics on doyoung. he would usually just recommend whatever was most expensive to turn a greater profit, but he didn’t feel the compulsion to do so with the unassuming stranger in front of him that was sweeping his hair back every minute or so, most likely out of habit.

he leads doyoung over to a recent shipment that he had yet to unpack and makes a wide sweeping gesture.

“anything’s up for grabs. your pick.”

nothing caught his eye besides a simple bunch right in front of him. poppies, tinted orange. a gentle flower, with dainty petals; yet last forever. what a contradiction. he hopes they stay vibrant for a while. maybe they’ll outlast him.

“i’ll buy these.”

“alright, i’ll tie them up for you and ring you up over at the counter.”

how funny. he almost forgot his wallet at home, that would’ve been unfortunate. he really hates change to routine.

the florist hands over the bouquet and comments, “hope she likes it.”

his statement made doyoung pause. he never said who it was for. on his way out of the shop, doyoung stops to correct the florist.

“him. the flowers are for a him.”

he wasn’t sure why he corrected the florist either, but he felt the compulsion to. doyoung didn’t want his interaction with the amiable man to end on a sour note when he hadn’t even accomplished what he set out to do that day.

“well. good luck to you, no matter who it’s for.”

“yeah.”

he steps out the door with an emptiness in his eyes and a burden on his mind.

the bell rings as the door closes behind him.

ring, ring, ring.

silence.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

5 minutes away and a flight of stairs later, doyoung reaches his final destination, hands on his knees and breathing heavily. maybe he was out of shape, just maybe. he should utilize the gym on campus more. actually, he’s never been, but a guy can dream.

he glances at his phone to check the time. good. he was early. it was a special day after all.

doyoung took a seat on the bench he’s visited a million times, overlooking a grassy hill, green and full of life. the sun was out today, and the weather was more than perfect, unreal almost. how funny, but doyoung thought it was fitting. he waits patiently until he drifts off into a daydream about tofu soup.

he only awakens when he felt someone shaking his shoulder. for a moment, just a little, he held out hope. he knows that’s just a delusion of his though.

“hey, hey kid, are you alright?”

it was just the friendly middle aged woman he’s encountered several times here, and their paths always seemed to cross. it makes sense, really, considering she was there to visit someone too. one might even consider them acquaintances.

“ah, yeah, i’m fine. sorry, i got a little distracted there, my bad.”

she ruffles his hair in an endearing way, not dissimilar to how one would pat a child to comfort them.

“just making sure, kid. what brings you here so early today? you usually come later, don’t you?”

hm. good point really. doyoung thinks it was almost a subconscious decision to arrive so soon, but he didn’t feel compelled to explain it to her. he’s been tired lately.

“oh, class was canceled. the professor sent an email saying he was out for a family emergency. i’m glad though, i need to catch up on his lectures.” there it was. his half hearted smile. doyoung tries to repress it because it always betrays what he says. his face conveys what his words can’t.

the mom knew a lie when she sees one. he's a stellar student with spotless attendance, but he’s a good person. that she knows is the truth. whatever he couldn’t talk about was his choice and his alone. she’s fine without knowing. it’s not her place to.

she turns to face doyoung directly.

“you know he won’t come back right?”

“yeah.” a tone not of sadness or longing, but a simple statement laced with conviction and resolve.

actually, he knew jaehyun wasn’t going to come this time. or anytime ever. doyoung sighs gently. he’s been stood up a lot of times actually, but he knows it isn’t jaehyun’s fault. it was doyoung’s for coming time after time. he never learns his lesson after all. he’ll keep coming still, even though it’s just a pipe dream. he hopes that jaehyun will be with him again one day.

doyoung finally gathers up the strength that he was lacking and was on his way to finishing what he set out to do in the first place, there was just one thing left he needed to do. he takes the mother’s hands into his and spoke with utmost sincerity.

“your husband was a good person and nothing will ever change that.”

“i know, kid. i know.” she didn’t shed a single tear because she knew she loved him as best as she could, and he did as well. they lived a good life. she couldn’t have asked for anything more besides more time with him. but time runs out for everyone. mortality strikes all.

doyoung comes to a stop to where jaehyun was.

“hi. it’s been a while. you’re doing well right?”

he lets his own silence permeate the air around him, trying not to get ahead of himself. that’s not what jaehyun would’ve wanted. he didn’t expect a response but still longed for one.

“i got accepted for grad school, isn’t that great? you always were pushing me to become a doctor. actually, i didn’t want to be one until you pressured me to. you’re always right.” he lets out a laugh in a situation that didn’t call for one, but it was what he needed.

he smiles softly. it’s been a while. he thinks it might be his last.

“i’ve never won an argument against you, isn’t that funny? you’re so unpredictable, you really are. you’re the most impossible person i know, but i think that’s what made me like you in the first place. you made the impossible possible. what a contradiction. every action of yours countered mine, but i never loved you any less for it.”

doyoung thinks his time is coming to a close. he could stay indefinitely of course, but he liked to keep things short and sweet.

“you probably noticed already, but i got you flowers. you’ve told me time and time again how you hate flowers so much, so i thought this was the perfect occasion to buy you some. i never followed what you told me to do. i don’t think i ever will, but that’s what made us a good couple, right? you probably wouldn’t ever admit it but i know it’s true. i could see it in your eyes.”

if only he could see those eyes again, but they still exist as clear as day in his memory. bright. the brightest he’s ever seen.

“you told me once that i should live life to the fullest. i think you achieved that before i did.”

he’s already gone on too long, and if he stayed any longer, his residual attachment will continue to plague him. doyoung needed to close a chapter in his life before he could ever think about moving forward.

“i hope you did jaehyun. actually, i know you did. you’re impossible, remember?”

he leans down to place the bouquet gently on top of jaehyun’s headstone and stares blankly at the dates engraved on it, wondering why it worked out like so. why he’s the one that had to leave.

he walks out of the cemetery with a heavy heart, yet lifted conscience. he crosses the gate for the last time. at least, for a while. with one last wave back and a dejected look on his face, doyoung hopes that this closure will suffice.

he was never a professional at goodbyes. but he’ll meet jaehyun again. he’s sure of it.

“see you later.” his voice wavers just the slightest, his emotions betraying his stoic facade.

doyoung pauses momentarily to say one last thing to jaehyun.

“oh, by the way. it was our anniversary today, did you know? hope you celebrated it too, wherever you might be.”

he wasn’t holding back tears. he wasn’t grieving. he wasn’t sad even. he was fine.

somehow, that was even worse.

“well, i’ll be off now. i’m glad i came.”

“bye. until next time man.”

for the first time, he meant it, the words he’s uttered a hundredfold. he meant it, truly and deeply.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

doyoung never visited his grave again.

life continues on, and so did he.

 

_________________________________________________________ 6 months later

 

today was doyoung’s birthday. no one congratulated him besides taeyong. he could always count on taeyong to cheer him up no matter what. he couldn’t ask for a better roommate, and more importantly, his best friend. it was a lonely birthday, one that consisted of a candle stuck in a cupcake, but he wasn’t expecting big theatrics anyway. his birthday always came and go, but this year, there was something lacking about it. well, lack of a someone to be precise. doyoung was getting ready to knock out for his afternoon nap when he receives a text from the school’s sorting facility that something has arrived for him.

uh.

doyoung hasn’t ordered anything online if he recalls correctly, so he doubts it’s his, but he begrudgingly postpones his recovery rest to pick up something that might or might not be his. it was probably taeyong’s honestly; their packages get switched up every once in a while. doyoung wonders what surprise awaits him. if his intuition doesn’t fail him and it really was taeyong’s, he’s guessing it’s either a figurine or the vinyl he’s been eyeing recently. he’s so predictable sometimes, it’s funny.

whatever. he arrived at his school’s mailing center already. he just wanted to get this over with as quickly as he could.

“there was something addressed to me, i’m here to pick it up.” he felt like this was a waste of time, knowing whatever it could be most definitely isn’t his.

the student employee scans over the multitude of packages in the back until she came across one clearly addressed to a KIM DOYOUNG. how cute. she wishes her boyfriend would do something like that for her.

she brings it to the front and hands it over to doyoung.

“happy birthday! it’s on the tag.”

doyoung’s never been more confused in his life. no one knew it was his birthday except for taeyong since he never was the type to celebrate it. besides, everyone knew he wasn't the greatest fan of flowers anyway.

the employee’s face mirrors his own. she’s never seen anyone make such a strange face at receiving a gift.

“do you know who sent these?” he needed to know, trying to eliminate the minor possibility that he might have a stalker he didn’t know about.

“i only work here, how would i know?”

what a weird guy, she thinks to herself.

“there’s a note attached inside the bouquet. that’ll probably answer your questions.”

“oh. okay, i guess.” his impatience mixed with curiosity made him exit the parcel center so rapidly that he didn’t hear the employee screaming “WAIT! COME BACK!!”

he walked back in the way he just came out of 30 seconds ago.

“what do you want? i don’t have the time for this.” his frustration was slowly rising as his fuse was rapidly ticking down.

“you forgot to sign.”

oh. well this is awkward. he stood there with equal parts of embarrassment and shame.

“my bad, i’ll do it right now.”

man, what a weird guy he was. she wonders how anyone could possibly like him.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

doyoung waited until he was back at his dorm to bother looking at the note. he knows that the flowers are definitely for him now, at least. taeyong’s birthday wasn’t for another 5 months. he makes a mental note to buy taeyong the nami skin in league he’s been whining about.

the note was folded in half, and simply labeled with his name on the outside, no indication of who sent it at all. with no other choice to take, doyoung unfolds the note with mild trepidation, hoping it wasn’t some russian pyramid scheme trying to recruit him through bribery. it could happen, who knows. he won’t rule out anything yet.

the note was plain and ordinary, beyond simple. just a note. it was roughly the size of doyoung’s palm, but its contents were a mystery.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

hey :)

didn’t expect to hear from me did you? you’re probably wondering why how whatever and a

ton of other stupid questions. doesn’t matter. i told you i could make the impossible happen,

didn’t i? anyway, since you’re reading this, i’m probably not around anymore, which kind of

sucks haha. i didn’t plan on leaving you alone on your birthday but i think my life had other plans.

sorry about that. i hope this can make up for it. did you become a doctor like i told you to?

honestly, i just wanted to see you in scrubs, i thought you would look lame.

i don’t think i’ve had the chance to tell you yet, but i might as well now. i love you.

that was kind of gross. i won't say it again, but just know that i mean it.

wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, i mean it. see you next year!

 

-jaehyun

(by the way. i hope you like flowers, especially because i don’t. funny, right?)  
_____________________________________________________________________________

 

doyoung didn’t know how to react, with a rush of emotions fighting each other within him. should he laugh, should he scream, should he just take the nap he’s been delaying? he does none of this. instead, he flips the note over.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Yongsan Flowers  
Order now, send later!  
We specialize in scheduling bouquets days, months, even years ahead!  
Whenever you need them, we will have them.  
Call for a quote at  
+82 ** **** ****  
Thank you for choosing us!

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

unbelievable. he really did it. just when doyoung was sure that all traces of jaehyun have gone, he comes right back and kicks doyoung right in the face.

doyoung smiles. a true, genuine smile. and laughs. laughing at what, he doesn’t know. but he’s happy. what matters is that he’s happy.

oh.

he’s been crying. for a while too. tears were coming out without him even noticing. how crazy.

smiling and crying. jaehyun was the only person capable of doing something so contradictory. he's still the only person that can.

god, why did he fall in love with someone like that?

doyoung just doesn’t understand, but maybe he believes in the impossible now. after all, jaehyun did it. he’s unpredictable, reckless, incredible and most importantly, he was doyoung’s. now and forever, and that won’t ever change.

it goes without saying, doyoung is jaehyun’s last love.

jaehyun wasn’t doyoung’s first love, but he’s certain jaehyun will be his last.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

the jian, also known as the bird that shares wings, only possesses one wing. Unless a pair of jian lean on each other, they’re incapable of flight. They’re imperfect, incomplete creatures.

but, for some reason, their way of life, is profoundly beautiful.

the two completed each other, they acted as one and soared high. still, they’re imperfect. incomplete. jaehyun left doyoung a fragment of what once was whole.

he still waits for doyoung, in another lifetime, in another universe, in another place; waiting for what completes him.

no matter how long it takes, how impossible it seems, they will find each other. someday, they will take flight once more. someday, they’ll be complete again.

two offbeat souls that found their tempo as one.

**Author's Note:**

> -the jian is a bird from chinese mythology, but the footnote is a based on a quote from darling in the franxx (an anime)  
> -about the summary, 1 year is not 1 year since jaehyun died, doyoung visited his grave on the 1 year anniversary of them dating, the rest is kind of self explanatory.  
> -T__T i fixed most of the typos pls tell me if you find any more


End file.
